I can only write these because I've experienced them. (Embellished only slightly, I'm embarassed to say - I'm not a complete jerk, but my mouth apparently isn't wired right...or wired shut).
Things NOT to say to your wife when she’s pregnant:
1. Anything that has to do with the bovine species (cows), particularly in reference to udders. Yes, her breasts are changing, getting bigger, and in many cases some slight color alteration. Your continued relationship with them (the breasts) is predicated on you not turning them into an object of ridicule, or enlarging play-things. For instance, don't check size difference while she's asleep.
2. Anything reference weight gain. Seriously genius, do I really need to go here? This should be obvious, as it is a taboo topic at any time. Treading into this topic is a sure-fire way to ensure you will never have sex again. When her belly makes it hard to wrap your arms around, best to leave that sleeping dog lie.
3. Anything about her eating habits. This goes hand in hand with weight gain. Want to have your head ripped off? Comment on the Little Debbies. Even if your stash of Twinkies gets mauled like a 2-ton grizzly ripped through it, just let it go. There will always be more Twinkies (chances are, you didn’t need them either). An example; "are you SURE you want another bon-bon?" Bad idea dude.
4. “Did you fart?” Yes, she farted. Loudly and at inopportune times. So apparently commenting on her uncontrolled flatulence is a real turn-on. Or not.
5. “Man, too bad you can’t drink.” This, coupled with having to watch you drink, especially if you get intoxicated, is a guarantee to be both cut-off, denied the ability to go and hang out “with the boys” at any time, and moreover a good way to get yourself kicked in the family jewels. IN PARTICULAR - do NOT come home fall-down wasted when she's seven months pregnant and put on bed-rest for possible early delivery issues. You're not going to get a lot of hangover sympathy.
6. Respond, in any manner, to “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!” Apparently there are times when that lady is pretty uncomfortable, and wants to blame you. Chances are you do not share in this discomfort, unless you ate really bad ethnic food. Nothing you say to this will be right. Whatever you do, don’t smile, laugh, or rebel yell. None of these are correct responses either.
7. “Gosh, you sure are moody. ” Yes. Yes she is. Beware flying objects. Like sliced turkey frisbees. Again, silence is the best option, because there just is NOT an argument that you're going to win. Ever. For nine months.
8. “You never want to have sex anymore.” Chances are, her libido is at the bottom of the SIN curve. That, coupled with the SUPER sexy feeling of gaining weight and releasing nauseous gas every few seconds means that no, she probably isn’t slipping into the Playboy bunny costume you bought her last fall. Keep giving her crap and she’ll be living in the “no-sex comfy sweats” for the next four years or so. And remind you of how "selfish and unempathetic" you are for the rest of your life.
9. “Stop playing with the thermostat – and why is it so cold in here?” Ah, yes. Temperature fluctuations. This is usually indicative of good times. Get a sweatshirt and roll with it, or the thermostat won't be the only thing you lose control over.
10. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m the most sensitive guy I know!” Oh no, son. You forgot to do something – and whatever it was, it was the most important thing EVER. Atone now, or beware.
Whatever it was, you're wrong.
Have a good week!
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